My travels this summer have led me to make an announcement about the founding of IDES, the International Department for the Elimination of Stupidity.
People who violate certain fundamental laws will be taken to the department's underground villages of mole people, and forced to correct their horrifying mistakes.
These mistakes include:
- thinking that Mexico is a state.
- thinking that Alaska is a country.
- thinking that Jamaica is spelled with a K.
- homophobia.
- racism.
- use of the word "good" in place of the word "well."
- belief that gay marriage and abortion are bigger issues than, say, war, and the entire world despising us.
In addition, every March 15, agents of the IDES will speak a well-known Shakespeare quote to random people in the street. Any person who doesn't get it will be transported to an underground village of mole people, and there will be forced to act in the annual production of The Tragedy of Julius Caesar.
And, of course, when the newly-educated mole people emerge blinking into the sunlight, there will be a small child waving a flag and shouting "Hurrah." Because what's life without a random Terry Pratchett reference here and there?
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