Well, this sucks.

While we were on vacation, I happened to mention that I wanted to join the swim team. Well, fine, momentary lapse. Now I don't want to do it.

But then my mother went and listened to me and took an interest in my life and talked to the captain, and now I am on the swim team.

It's not that hard to quit, really, and there are so many reasons to do it. I can't have a sport in my schedule for autumn because I need to do the play; I need the time for schoolwork; I need the time for my RPG; I need the time for my writing. And, you know, housework and socialising and stuff.

I just don't have the time or the inclination for this right now.

But, at the same time, I want to do it. Because I need more extracurriculars for my college applications. Because by all accounts third-year P.E. is brutal and I'll never survive without some motivation to exercise. Because it's really horrible that the one time Mom listened to me, she shouldn't have done.

Regardless, though, I have to go to practice today and see what's up.

It's stupid to even think of sticking with it. The schedule will drive me insane. I'm being stupid for hedging, because I have to quit. I know I do.

But I'm still not sure if I should.

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I don't know what's wrong with me lately.

It's like, ever since I got back from vacation, I haven't been so interested in LJ. I read my friends page obsessively, but I do tend to skim a lot. I don't write as much and I don't comment as often.

It's just weird.

I'm going to go off and resent having to go to swim practice today now.

Argharghargh

This is just wonderful.

You see, my computer is in fact two computers: OSX and OS9. I do not like OSX. In fact, if it were not for OS9, I would probably throw the whole damn machine through a window.

However, OSX is password-protected. This means that when it's in OSX, I cannot return to OS9 until my father changes it from his account.

I cannot work in OSX. I can use the Internet, annoying as it may be, but I can't write. This is because we also have two versions of Word: the old one, which I like, and the new one, which I despise, not least for the stupid little dog that offers tips which I don't need and won't tell me anything of consequence. The old Word, you see, will not work in OSX. I can open my files, after an agonisingly long period of waiting for it to load, but my scroll button won't work, and I am physically incapable of working without a scroll button.

And don't even get me started on this ugly background. I want my picture of Daniel back, dammit!

So, what's the point of all this? Well, I haven't worked on TSPB in a month. I can't even edit because Pyrae is supposed to be doing her edit work on chapter one and I don't have my hard copy because she has it. So what happens when I finally decide to get back to work on the second draft?

Hellooo, OSX.

(Also, I was disconnected from the Internet just as I finished writing this, and now it's proving difficult to get back on. I hate dial-up.)

And, you know, I was happy last night. Melissa, Kristen, and I went to the youth group church thing at Pastor Thelen's house, and we had a good time. We talked for awhile, and we're going to sleep over at Melissa's on Saturday Night. I mean, there were bad parts - like when a guy named Paul was talking about his fantasy series and his goals for finishing it, and when he mentioned worldbuilding some people on the other side of the room started snickering and muttering "worlds" like fantasy isn't real writing. And then I got home and this whole swimming thing came up and the computer's being stupid and I feel so unproductive. I have to clean my closet and write and clean up after Jenna and I don't know what I want to do. I know what I should do, of course, but I can't bring myself to do it. And I'm so sorry for all this stupid teenage angst today, but I have a headache, and it's the last week of summer vacation and it just feels like everything is spinning out of control even though it isn't and I just hate this. And someone took the good cheese and there isn't any salami left anyway so I can't even make a sandwich. And I have to leave in an hour and I don't want to.

And so basically I just have one thing to say, under a cut so that people *coughHeathercough* who don't like swearing can avoid it:

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Aside from that, I've noticed something. I'm becoming less Caitlin and more Naodrith.

It's weird because we're both me, but we're both not me. Caitlin is afraid to stand up for herself. Caitlin is afraid to tell her parents and her friends about anything she cares about because they're so different and narrow-minded and intolerant. Nae, on the other hand, will talk about anything. Nae is, in a very real sense, free.

And I like being Nae. But at the same time I like being Caitlin, too. And I don't want to feel like I'm misrepresenting myself here, but I do. Because, you know, for all I can denounce Bush and things like that while I'm here, I never do that in real life. I mean, this is who I am. I'm Nae. Nae's fun, Nae's open, Nae believes in things and actually says so.

It's like having a split personality. I am Caitlin as I represent myself to my narrow little world of family and school and church, but I can be Nae to the rest of the world.

But I can't help wondering, if you people who I don't know in real life ever meet me, who am I going to be to you? Nae? Or Caitlin?

I really don't think I can be both.

I should just change my name to Naodrith and be done with it.

(As for Pyrae and Merrivere, just so you know, I'm Nae to both of you. Don't be dismayed. Nae's a lot more fun.)