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(Warning: The following got a bit out of hand, cannot be guaranteed to make sense, and has no real point.)
I can't write like this, I can't do it, incapable!
I'm trying to wrap together scenes from several different chapters, and I still haven't got to the end of chapter three, but I'm borrowing from chapter five, and I keep having to scroll back and forth, and try to remember what I haven't done yet, and try to remember what the hell happens next. And on top of all that, there's the eternal question of, if I put this here then what changes? And that's the worst part of rewriting, I think. It's figuring out, if I do this, then what changes? Could this next scene happen in my new canon?
Also, there's the simple fact that I don't know these characters like I used to. This Joseph isn't as...as dynamic as the other one. He's quieter, he's completely in awe of Zacharias, and I have to keep thinking, "I'm aiming for this so that can't happen," and I'm terrified that I will get to one of my beautiful new plot points and realize that it's not going to work!
I just have this vision of what this story could be, what it should be. But the thing is that it isn't everyone else's vision. And as Pyrae has reminded me, if I ever want to sell this thing, it can't be just what I'd like to read. It has to be what publishers want to read.
And my vision, I think, is not what publishers want.
See, I'm sixteen, all right? And I can't write adults, I can't. I don't get them. I'm sixteen. And so my characters are also sixteen. Look at my old files, you'll see. My main characters got older as I did. They have to be my age because otherwise I just don't get them.
And the thing is, anything with a sixteen-year-old main character is going to be marketed as young adult at best, because most adults don't want to pick up a story like that. They don't want to see through a "child's" eyes. But this is not a young adult book. I mean, it could be, I guess. But I don't want it to be automatically marked as that, because it isn't. I know young adults could understand it, because I am one and I certainly get it, but...I don't even know what I'm talking about. Because it's more than what it seems. It's more than a non-graphic war story. It's more than a study of what America is and what it could be. It's so much more than that. And I want it to be more than that, I do.
But there's so much that makes it more that isn't in the text, because there's no reason to put it in.
So no ordinary reader would ever know that Zacharias never knew his family. No reader would know that he drowned once - or, at least, they wouldn't know that he was serious when he mentioned it. No reader would know that Ysranna's name is actually Isabel, and she changed it because her father works for Separation and she read his files and figured out how it worked and thought that being a priestess would be pretty damn easy. No reader would know that Jen's got a sister, or even that Jen is half-French and never set foot in America before she was fourteen, even though she is technically an American citizen. No reader would know that Monica is Zacharias's sister. Because it doesn't belong in the text.
But all that being there...it makes a difference. It turns a plot into a story. Into a saga. There is no "This is where it begins." There is just, "This is where what I am telling you begins." And there is no "The End." I have no intention of typing "The End." Because there's more, before and after and during, and there are themes I probably don't even know about, and characters who died in the war that I never knew.
It's...this story...it's...God, it's about everything. It's about tolerance. It's about freedom. It's about war and peace and love and hate and life and death and chaos and law and the sheer imperfection of humanity. It's about alcohol and drugs and heights and fire and crime and insanity and everything. And I know young adults can handle it, but I don't feel that it is in fact a young adult book, just like I will never believe that the Abhorsen trilogy was a young adult series.
I don't think the distinction makes any sense, to be quite frank.
My novel is...a novel. It's not for young adults or adults, it's for everyone who ever wondered if things could be better. It's for everyone who believes in...anything.
In the end, it's about belief. It's about faith and loyalty and frienship.
I don't think the publishers are going to get that.
I know they won't want the ending I want.
I want the perfect ending. I want what So Long and Thanks for All the Fish and Abhorsen had. I want to make people cry, and then make them laugh through their tears, and walk away feeling that however imperfect life is, it is also so very perfect sometimes.
It is worth living.
That's what I want.
I just wondered if anyone else wanted it, too.
I can't write like this, I can't do it, incapable!
I'm trying to wrap together scenes from several different chapters, and I still haven't got to the end of chapter three, but I'm borrowing from chapter five, and I keep having to scroll back and forth, and try to remember what I haven't done yet, and try to remember what the hell happens next. And on top of all that, there's the eternal question of, if I put this here then what changes? And that's the worst part of rewriting, I think. It's figuring out, if I do this, then what changes? Could this next scene happen in my new canon?
Also, there's the simple fact that I don't know these characters like I used to. This Joseph isn't as...as dynamic as the other one. He's quieter, he's completely in awe of Zacharias, and I have to keep thinking, "I'm aiming for this so that can't happen," and I'm terrified that I will get to one of my beautiful new plot points and realize that it's not going to work!
I just have this vision of what this story could be, what it should be. But the thing is that it isn't everyone else's vision. And as Pyrae has reminded me, if I ever want to sell this thing, it can't be just what I'd like to read. It has to be what publishers want to read.
And my vision, I think, is not what publishers want.
See, I'm sixteen, all right? And I can't write adults, I can't. I don't get them. I'm sixteen. And so my characters are also sixteen. Look at my old files, you'll see. My main characters got older as I did. They have to be my age because otherwise I just don't get them.
And the thing is, anything with a sixteen-year-old main character is going to be marketed as young adult at best, because most adults don't want to pick up a story like that. They don't want to see through a "child's" eyes. But this is not a young adult book. I mean, it could be, I guess. But I don't want it to be automatically marked as that, because it isn't. I know young adults could understand it, because I am one and I certainly get it, but...I don't even know what I'm talking about. Because it's more than what it seems. It's more than a non-graphic war story. It's more than a study of what America is and what it could be. It's so much more than that. And I want it to be more than that, I do.
But there's so much that makes it more that isn't in the text, because there's no reason to put it in.
So no ordinary reader would ever know that Zacharias never knew his family. No reader would know that he drowned once - or, at least, they wouldn't know that he was serious when he mentioned it. No reader would know that Ysranna's name is actually Isabel, and she changed it because her father works for Separation and she read his files and figured out how it worked and thought that being a priestess would be pretty damn easy. No reader would know that Jen's got a sister, or even that Jen is half-French and never set foot in America before she was fourteen, even though she is technically an American citizen. No reader would know that Monica is Zacharias's sister. Because it doesn't belong in the text.
But all that being there...it makes a difference. It turns a plot into a story. Into a saga. There is no "This is where it begins." There is just, "This is where what I am telling you begins." And there is no "The End." I have no intention of typing "The End." Because there's more, before and after and during, and there are themes I probably don't even know about, and characters who died in the war that I never knew.
It's...this story...it's...God, it's about everything. It's about tolerance. It's about freedom. It's about war and peace and love and hate and life and death and chaos and law and the sheer imperfection of humanity. It's about alcohol and drugs and heights and fire and crime and insanity and everything. And I know young adults can handle it, but I don't feel that it is in fact a young adult book, just like I will never believe that the Abhorsen trilogy was a young adult series.
I don't think the distinction makes any sense, to be quite frank.
My novel is...a novel. It's not for young adults or adults, it's for everyone who ever wondered if things could be better. It's for everyone who believes in...anything.
In the end, it's about belief. It's about faith and loyalty and frienship.
I don't think the publishers are going to get that.
I know they won't want the ending I want.
I want the perfect ending. I want what So Long and Thanks for All the Fish and Abhorsen had. I want to make people cry, and then make them laugh through their tears, and walk away feeling that however imperfect life is, it is also so very perfect sometimes.
It is worth living.
That's what I want.
I just wondered if anyone else wanted it, too.
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